Sometimes A Penis Is Just A Penis

Sigmund Freud famously said “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” (Actually he didn’t, but it’s still a great quote) The idea is that, if you look at a long, tubular-shaped object and think of something sexual, the sex isn’t necessarily in the tube—it’s just in your dirty mind.

That’s the first thing I thought of when I saw the “controversial,” “offensive,” “very serious [child porn] felony” picture of Tom Brady’s 2-year-old son at the beach.

WARNING!! LINK TO “CHILD PORN” IS HERE! DO NOT CLICK IF YOU ARE TURNED ON BY NAKED 2-YEAR-OLDS

What—a picture of a nakie little boy on the beach with his mom? Why, it’s so outrageous, it almost makes me forget the hundreds of other similar pictures I’ve seen of friends and family members in photo albums across the US.

Here’s the “Baby Brady” porn story as I understand it:

Some glamour-shot paparazzi takes photos of Mrs. Brady and the Lil’ Tyke frolicking at the beach. The photos are released onto the internet.  A completely unrelated guy who runs a sports website known for its comedy snark finds these photos on the web and, when the shot of nekkid Brady popped up (no pun intended), has the same reaction Larry David did in the episode above.

So he posted the pic with the “Check out the howitzer” joke attached.

And this is a crime...how?  This is outrageous...why? More importantly, you wouldn’t make the exact same joke when you saw the photo?

Folks, child porn is a serious issue.  Child pornographers are some of the most despicable people alive.  But pretending that the “kid at the beach” photos are porn demeans the true evil of real child porn. 

Here’s what I want from every person who says the guy who posted Lil’ Brady’s “howitzer” pic should go to jail: I want to see you family photos. I want to see the Super 8 movies and VHS tapes of you when you were a kid.

Then, when the photo of you taking a bath in the sink, or playing naked in the wading pool, or being video of you having your diaper changed pops up—We can slap the cuffs on you....YOU PERVERT!

Actually, I guess it would be your Dad, or Mom, or Uncle Ralph who is the “perv.” Well, whoever it was who took the shots of your naughty bits and insists on showing them in the annual family reunion slide show—they’re off to jail!

Uh, right?

UPDATE! Several people are emailing to argue that posting this photo is different from your family’s nudie baby pics because this website guy isn’t related to Brady, or that Brady’s baby should be off limits. You might be right that, in an ideal world, there should be no celebrity baby snaps. But in the REAL world of People, US Weekly and TMZ,  they’re in the media all the time. Just ask Suri or Blanket or a thousand other children of celebrities.

There is no real outrage here. Just a handful of pervs who see Lil’ Brady’s pic and have their own lurid thoughts, and media people desperate for something to talk about on a Friday in August.